ON CHANGE

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“what is wrong with you tonight?”

The security guard at work last night had been watching me fidget and listening to me groan for, like… an hour.  I couldn’t STOP.

“I literally have no idea,” I admitted.  “I’ve been freaking out all day.  Life is just really getting to me lately, you know?”

That was the best answer I could come up with – the angst was just a side effect of generally being alive.  It hadn’t been an especially good day, though there wasn’t a lot to be done about it.  I had slept too late, I had neglected my homework, and my room was messy.  It was all just starting to feel like… a lot.  And the worst part was I didn’t feel like doing anything about it.  I didn’t know where to start.  He surprised me when he offered some real advice.

“You need to change something – something in your routine.  Just keep changing things until they feel better.”

The problem is, of course, that I don’t have much of a routine – I’m constantly trying to switch between “work mode” and “school mode” and, my personal favourite, “totally lazy asshole mode”.  There’s always too much to do any not enough time or energy to do it, and any time I try to make a schedule for myself I just… don’t hold myself accountable.  The other day I read a really interesting article about not negotiating with yourself – it resonated with me.  I am the queen of self-negotiation; I can talk myself out of doing ANYTHING.  I’ve never thought of it as a habit, but it TRULY is, and one what I need to break.

Anyway just for the sake of change, Tevin suggested I delete my social media apps for a bit – just to see if anything improved.  And I, being the impulsive thing that I am, decided that was a great idea.  I deleted the apps right then and there.  This was last night, and I spent most of the day today staring longingly at my phone.  I literally didn’t know what to do with myself… BUT just realizing that was interesting.  It turns out he was right; that tiny change made my life very different.

[[I’m going to be taking a little break from the blog too – just to switch things up a bit.  That was the point of this post before it got soooo melodramatic.  I know I’m not actually posting all that much lately, but I definitely am thinking about it a lot.  Quite honestly I have a lot of other things that I need to focus on right now anyway.]]

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking about my habits, my routines, and my excuses.  There’s a lot to work on – and with no instagram how will I get my #inspo???  Lord knows.  But you can be sure I’ll keep you all posted on it when I return (probably in a week or two).  There likely wouldn’t be many blog posts coming your way in the next little while anyway, with the semester wrapping up, so this seems like a logical time to take a step back.  I read an interview today with a lady who was very against half-assed blogging – and here at MOMPUNK we are no strangers to that.  Maybe she’s right though – maybe it’s time to throw myself at life a little more whole heartedly – ORRR time to realize that I can’t commit to that at this moment and take a break instead.

love love love to all of ya – talk soon (ish)!

xo – L

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