it’s a whole new month, and spring is in the air! Thank GOD – I was getting real tired of the parka + winter boots look. Midterms are in full swing (just two more to go!) and I am coping with a lot of coffee and a wardrobe that consists almost entirely of hoodies. I can not wait to feel like a human again.
I long for the days of eating real meals in my home, sleeping for at least 7 hours, and having a social life. The good ol’ days, ya know?
only semi-related but – I have been thinking a lot about The Future lately and guys… I’m scared.
I had a bit of a lightbulb moment the other day when I realized… wow. I am really over school.
Seriously – the work is bad enough. It’s hard and it’s time consuming, and a lot of it is boring. But that’s not even what’s really getting to me. What’s I’m really tired of is… my life? Or I guess I should say my lifestyle.
Like – the fact that I don’t have one??
I’m tired of having no money. Like, really tired of it. I want to be able to buy a $40 top without feeling guilty for a month. I’m tired of living in a room the size of a closet, with shitty ikea furniture that I didn’t pick for myself. I’m tired of not being able to go anywhere or do anything. I’m tired of the fact that there is no such thing as nothing to do – I could (and probably should) be working every hour of every day and I still don’t think I’d feel caught up. And worst of all… I don’t even know if it’ll mean anything in the end.
The truth is everyone has a damn BA. If you’re not the best then you’re just nothing, and I don’t want to be nothing. The only thing that makes all of this worth it is the promise of something amazing at the end – and I’m cheating myself out of that something by constantly thinking about what will satisfy my IMMEDIATE, RIGHT NOW wants and needs.
– like, you know what would make me happy? If instead of studying I was going to get nachos with my roommates. Or going to my staff party. Or rewatching Please Like Me on Netflix while eating cheetos.
And what I’m learning is… that is not actually what feels good.
I mean, it does (I love me some nachos). But then it doesn’t, and the horrible feeling that comes from neglecting my shit is a thousand times worse than the horrible feeling of studying.
I just read my horoscope for the month and you know what it said? it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And ok, yeah I’ve heard that about a million times before. But that time it just… clicked.
If everything were about what makes me happy RIGHT NOW I would never have come to university. I’d never have started this blog. I wouldn’t have any money in the bank. I’d weigh a million pounds.
I mean, I’d probably be wine drunk, like, 99% of the time if that were how the world worked. right? Because that’s what fun- what’s easy. But that’s not how you create a big juicy creative exciting life for yourself.
I guess what I’m saying is, it’s time to start playing the long game. A little hedonism now and then is fun (and necessary for my sanity tbh), but I’m going to have a whole lot of living to do after I finish this degree, and it won’t be easy if I don’t put in the work now.
how do you stay focussed on the future – how do you keep yourself playing the long game? I need all the help I can get.
mwah! – L
PS, if you ever find yourself in need of some pretty photos for your blog I highly recommend you check out Rekita Nicole‘s blog! She’ll send you a package of super cute stock photos every month for you to use for free. amazing!