Soooo spoiler alert: I didn’t find my true love on tinder. I know, I know, you’re all totally shocked.
Does that mean it wasn’t worth it? I don’t think so. I learned some valuable lessons, I had some laughs (check out my last tinder post for a few choice screenshots), and I got two dates out of the whole shebang – which was kind of the whole point. I wanted to be a person who went on dates again! I was pretty sure that was t he thing that was missing from my life.
Turns out, not so much.
Date number 1 – J.
I wanted so badly to be excited about this – my first date in ages, and at the Art Gallery no less! J (using initials to protect the identities of the innocent and/or make me feel cooler than I am) was funny. He seemed smart. He had a job, and an apartment, and a degree. So… why did I want to cancel so bad?
My friends absolutely would not let me bail. This was what you wanted, Leah, they reminded me, and they were right – this was why I never got to go on dates. Because when the day rolls around I just… can’t be bothered.
I went – but I didn’t wash my hair. For some reason this was a Very Big Deal to me – I kept thinking that if I really liked this guy, if I was really excited about this, I would have taken a shower for him. But what was there to be excited about? He was a total stranger, afterall.
When I finally caught a glimpse of J, I got nervous for the first time – I was about to go in for a handshake when he gave me a hug,a gesture which seemed entirely too familiar. I quickly realized that I wasn’t the only one who had neglected to shower (though if I had to guess I’d say I was the only one who had used dry shampoo) – a fact that I found both comforting and offensive.
To be honest, he was a nice guy. He did awkwardly interject “separate” when the lady at the counter asked us how we’d like to pay (which, by the way, is what I would have said if he’d just given me the opportunity), and he used the word “representation” far too many times when he told me about all the art in the gallery (literally all of it – the guy went to art school and wanted to make sure we all knew), but he was pleasant enough. He was funny. It was okay.
So… why did I feel so bummed out by the time I got home?
“there was just no chemistry!” my friend Kelly told me. I pouted.
“Is chemistry even real?”
Her answer was a firm yes, but I was (and am) unconvinced.
date number 2 – S.
My second date was half an hour late to meet me, and wanted to go shopping at Value Village. This is why I need to stop dating hipsters, I guess. Anyway, after a brief Value Village expedition he took me to a bar where we ate dinner and had drinks. For some reason his voice was really annoying to me – I kept sneakily texting my roommates about it – but after two drinks I was feeling a little more willing to let it (and the unfortunate beginning of the evening) slide. He wasn’t funny – the only time he made me laugh was when he said he didn’t like Taking Back Sunday (um what?), and I don’t think that was on purpose. But hey, he was cute, he was well dressed, and he was really smart.
After five drinks, I was willing to look past his dislike of Taking Back Sunday. Did I want to date this guy? Hell no. But netflix and chill maybe – tis the season, after all.
Then we left the bar. He grabbed my hand. He kissed me.
I almost died.
It was………….. so bad. His moustache (which curled up at the ends like a cartoon) went into my nose. It was slobbery. There was tongue. I just… no thank you. My very first thought was dear lord I hope my roommates are still awake so I can tell them how awful this is. Do I feel guilty writing this awful review? Yes. But there was spit on my face by the end of it. So sorry, not sorry.
He texted me the next day to tell me he had a good time – complete with emojis. I ignored him.
It got me thinking about chemistry again; did he think we had it?
Here’s my question: how do you know when it’s for real? Okay, so J and I could agree that we had nothing – I never heard from him after our date, not because it went poorly but because we didn’t click. But S obviously thought we did. It made me think back on guys that I thought I’d had chemistry with (a depressingly short list, by the way). Most of them never came to be anything more than a distant dream. What if I was running around swooning, thinking there was a spark there, and they were at home making fun of me with their roommates (or worse, talking about me on the internet)?
When is it chemistry and when is it just a crush?
At this point I think I’d take either one, tbh.
ANYWAY after two bad dates I keep getting told if I don’t go on a third I’ve failed my experiment but truthfully this whole thing has been kind of exhausting.
Time to give up on love I guess!
Would loooove to hear your tinder tales!
Big sloppy kisses for you all – L
PS, I am so embarrassed I can’t believe I published the wrong draft last night!! How unprofessional. But hey, fun sneak preview; 8 things to do instead of lying in bed will be coming at you (fully written) soon.